It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

So after I scathingly reviewed the ill-received Indiana Jones 4, (seen here) I felt immensely better. It was a tremendously cathartic event, I must say. I mean, really. Really. It actually felt physically GOOD to trash that movie. The movie tickled my rage glands in a way very few others could possibly conceive of. (Try not to dwell on that too long.) I thoroughly enjoyed tearing the hopes and dreams of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg into tiny little snarky snippets of scathing commentary. For a brief second, I knew what it was to have no soul; like Roeper, Maltin, or Shalit. And I ENJOYED it. Being negative and derogatory towards other people's creations is what powers the dark soul machines of Pop Culture, and I felt no qualms about adding fuel to the fire!
So please believe me when I tell you that I've joined the ranks of the born-again, for it is no small matter for me to be able to watch a film and not utter a single disgusted sigh at the movie's weakest moments. Not one whimper or groan, ladies and gentlemen. Not a single roll of the eyes flickered across my face. I made very few noises (Except for girlish squeaks of excitement several times during the course of the film. For personal reasons, we will not explore why), very rarely took my eyes from the screen, (And only then to blink), and walked out of the theatre in a state of stuporic shock after this movie. I'm really only now able to sort most of what I witnessed out in my mind, and I saw this bloody movie FOUR DAYS AGO.
You may have realized by now, that I speak of The Dark Knight. You, dear sir or madam, are correct. I can honestly say, with no guilt (or potential awkwardness when I see past favorite movies at parties and have to avoid looking them in the eyes) that The Dark Knight is the best movie I've ever seen. I have no complaints. The nine dollar ticket was fully worth it. The stupid, gum-snapping, shite-mouthed tart sitting next to me was worth tolerating just to watch this movie. What I'm trying to say is that this movie was pure CANDY RAPE FOR THE EYES, EARS, AND SOUL. (And if you don't like candy rape, then I don't want to know you.) I mean, there's something for EVERYONE here!
Do you like “Magic Tricks”? Oh, then you'll love this movie.
How about a guest appearance of one Dr. Jonathan Crane? Ole' “blue eyes” Murphy does not disappoint, even for the five or six seconds he's actually onscreen.
Want exciting chases between a wall-flipping, truck-tripping, superhero on a cannon-toting motorcycle and a psycho, RPG-wielding clown? You'll find it here in spades.
Think Gary Oldman is kind of a loser? Wait til you see him play the shotgun-toting Jesus of Gotham City.
Think Rachel Dawes is the worst character in the series so far? What? No? Is that just me? Well fuck you anyway; She DIES. (I promise you though, you WILL care that she dies.)
Want to see one of the best tragic heroes portrayed by “Thank You for Smoking” Aaron Eckhart? Want to see that hero slowly descend into villainy in one of the best portrayals of a grief-stricken madman I've ever witnessed? God, the bitterness practically oozes from Two-Face in this movie. You sympathize with him the entire way through the movie, then you feel betrayed by his fall, then you slowly realize that in the end, the Joker actually beat everyone by manipulating that character.
Do you often fantasize about Christian Bale in any role, but particularly like his gruff-voiced Batman? (Seriously, the dude sounds like he gargled razor blades to voice that role.) You'll appreciate his once again stellar performance as Gotham's Dark Knight. I mean seriously, they will be hard pressed to ever, EVER find a better actor for Bruce Wayne/Batman. Oh, so many reasons I loved this movie. So many reasons I could gush about for hours with anyone sentient enough to tolerate it. But really, in the end, only ONE reason made this the incredible cinematic romp it is.
Heath.
Motherfucking.
Ledger.
The Joker. The Clown Prince of Crime. The Killer Comedian. The singlemost important villain Batman has ever faced and will ever face. Fuck Jack Nicholson's interpretation. Heath Ledger, for the final, best performance he would unfortunately ever complete, became the Joker. Didn't just act as him. BECAME HIM. Haunting, hollow stringed notes accompany every appearance of the Joker. Dark looks, constantly licking lips, and evil, predatory smiles are a constant companion for Ledger's Joker. There are moments where you laugh at his antics as a nurse or as he cackles in glee over his fallen adversary. There are moments when you actually get the feeling Ledger descended too far into the psyche of a chaos-minded psychopath. And then there are those moments where he is terrifying.
“LOOK AT ME!” He roars. You can't help but shudder.
“WHY SO SERIOUS?!” He snarls. You recoil.
He actually breaks the fourth wall, becoming the real comic book villain. He is the number one reason I love this movie as much as I do, and the world has truly lost a brilliant actor with his passing. He pulls the role off perfectly. There's no laughing gas. No smiling fish. No backstory even. He doesn't need one. Just the portrayal of brilliant chaos from a shattered, evil mind...
And a cackling laugh that will, I promise, chill you to you bones.

A few things...

A few things have happened since I made that last weak post. I started writing again. A car has become available to me, for the low, low price of $2700. My girlfriend and I are better. And I have an awesome living situation. I don't know why I feel like writing now. Perhaps its to just let go of some paranoia. Maybe some nagging annoyances.

So here it goes.

I hate that no matter what job I get, no matter how hard I work, I never seem to have enough money. As an addendum, I don't know why it bugs me that my girlfriend makes more than me. It shouldn't...she's very much deserving of it. I just want to finally provide financial security for myself without looking over and seeing other people achieve it so much easier. I love being a waiter...I've met some awesome people and the job stress is little to none... but I can't help but feel like I should be making so much more money right now.

I miss my mother and sister. I just want to see them and make sure they're okay. I mean, I know they're okay, but I want to see it for myself. I want my mother's money issues to disappear and never bother her again. I want my sister to be able to have confidence and security in who she is instead of being conflicted and confused...that being said, I know that sort of confusion happens around that age. I went through it too...but I hope the journey's a little easier for her.

I wish I could help my roommate with his girl troubles. Sometimes I want to shake him and say "Goddamnit, she's stringing you along! Trust me, I did that dance for two years and women like that are just not worth your sanity!", but at other times I kinda want to be able to find him someone good...someone worth him. Not that he would want me to, since all in all, he's just as stubborn as I am anyway. Probably moreso.

I hate that now that I have a girlfriend, women are paying attention to me. It's the age-old story repeated over and over and over again, but it's one of those "urban legends" that keeps coming true. And especially now that I'm overweight and crippled with a bad case of not giving a fuck.

I drink. I self-medicate. Fuck off. If you don't do it, don't do it, but stop trying to talk me down. The next time I'm talking about it with a friend and I'm shushed by anyone because someone has appeared who can't even stand the thought of MJ, I'm going off. I don't try to talk you out of being a Christian (anymore), so lay off.

Ugh, and I'm done. God help me, if I end up like one of the thirty+ year olds working at The Pie I will truly have failed. Till next time.

Our Last Ark

So when do they start stockpiling genetic patterns of animals and humans? Turn the damn thing into an ark? I can't tell you how cool that would be.

NOAH WAS A CONCERNED GENETICIST!

-- more to come.

Some awesome games...

I cannot tell you how absolutely excited I am about this game. The full article can be read here, and it contains more exciting details about this kickass game.... Guess I should start upgrading my computer.

"LAY STILL FILTH!" I love dreadnoughts.




This game makes me shiver in anticipation as well. How many jedi are they going to finally release for this game?!

One Badass Nominee

It's official! Obama wins the Democratic nomination!! Cheering in the streets! Revelry from hill to dale! The glens and glades will echo with the elation of the masses and will return their sentiments as the true King of Democracy returns to his throne in the magical land of United States---


Whoa. Got a little lost in the land of prose.

Anyway, the real news of the now is one Barack Obama's victory cry over Madame Clinton. Not to gloat in the faces of those who staunchly supported the Clinton legacy by campaigning for the lady, but fucking FINALLY. I have to admire any person who goes down fighting to the last by principle, but it was long past due for Hillary to concede. Even if I agreed with her stance on the Vidyagame Industry, (It's absolutely heinous), or her mobilizing of the "disenfranchised white voters" (Mostly racist nutcases like this.), or even her usage of my favorite president to attack her opponents, I still wouldn't applaud her nearly year-long stubborn refusal to admit when she's beaten. Now this may be the opinion of a humble blogger, but I am glad to see her finally quitting this mad drive to not only discredit Mr. Obama, but also shred any sense of dignity she had left in my eyes. At least now she can calm down, have a few margaritas, and decide where her career's going now. I for one would welcome her as Obama's Vice President. But maybe that's just a pipe dream.

Anyway, congratulations to Obama! Let's see how the next couple of months turn out for his campaign.

Indiana Jones and the Lost Cornucopia of Disappointment.

So I finally saw the new Indy flick.

...Let me begin this bile-filled rant by saying I am a complete fanatic when it comes to the original three (Not so much Temple, but that's only because I can't stand Kate Capshaw's shrill, harpy-like shrieking and Short Round's cute but completely unnecessary presence.) Indiana movies. I even liked Young Indiana Jones. I read all the comics and loved the show. I think Raiders of the Lost Ark is one of the finest pieces of cinematic excellence to appear from the overblown egos and wantonly wasted budgets of Lucas and Spielberg fame, if not one of the greatest adventure movies in existence. I would have to sit down with the last three movies for three days in the dark, with nothing but green tea and pure stubbornness to keep me nourished, to elicit even ONE of the "Oh-God-why-would-they-even-think-this-is-funny" groans that escaped my lips in constant streams during Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. That being said, I loved seeing the older, grizzled Indy, I liked the little hat scene at the end, Marion Ravenwood being back in the series gave me the warm and fuzzies, and the cinematography was beautiful.

I loved those parts.

I love Indiana Jones.

I HATED Kingdom.

I would point out that the pillar of the reviewing world, Mr Richard Roeper, says the movie is "Nothing but entertainment value..." (The link to the whole review is there, if you can stand more than four minutes of Roeper's exposition.) and that most critics recommend you see the film because it's "Charming" or "Energetic". Just so we're clear, I think Roeper's a tool. That being out of the way, here's five reasons why Kingdom of the Crystal Skull makes me rage.

(SPOILERS FOLLOW. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS YET, PLEASE DO, SO I DON'T FEEL LIKE THE ONLY ONE LUCAS-BERG ROBBED.)






5.) Shia LaBeouf - Please do not get me wrong here. I think Mr. Beef is an incredibly talented young actor. I watched Disturbia, oh yes. I've seen his bit parts in Constantine and I, Robot. Even in Transformers, he managed to slog through his lines with a level of charm that made me respect him for the effort. I actually liked the idea behind his character Mutt, (I swear to God I thought they had actually named him "mud". The actual revelation as to his real name was only slightly less horrifying.) and up until one scene I was growing attached to the little bastard-Indy. Then the vines. When confronted with the hilarious pratfall of being caught up in ropey, low-hanging vines in the middle of a car-chase, Mr. Beef finds himself face to face with a monkey. Then many more monkeys... and instead of engaging in the time-honored and expected monkey behaviors of biting, scratching, and hurling fecal matter at the beleaguered Mutt, it cuts to the next scene showing them joining him in a Tarzan-meets-Grease swing through the jungle in pursuit of his mother, father, and cackling Russian antagonist. GODDAMN. Just when you manage to swallow 60-year-old men swinging on whips and kicking the crap out of Ivan Drago lookalikes, the wonderfuck twins Lucas and Spielberg actually achieve full bullshit velocity. This isn't even a make or break part of the movie. It was just one more little niggling jab that managed to bring my immersion in the Wide World of Jones to a screeching, groaning halt.
I'd also like to take this moment to say that when this movie comes out on DvD, my friends and I will be playing a drinking game based on taking a shot every time The Beef makes a snarky quip about Indy's age. I say when it comes out on DvD because had I done this in the theatre, I would have vocalized my harsh criticisms and crushing disappointments in a loud and extremely colorful manner. And no one likes a theatre talker.

4.) Irina "Cate Blanchett" Spalko - Besides sounding like Natasha Fatale from Rocky and Bullwinkle fame, Ole' Cate just comes across as one of the worst villains Indy has ever faced. She is the Mary Sue of Big Bad Evil Guys (Girls?) with her grey one piece Kim Jong-Il jumpsuit, "why-the-fuck-is-it-even-there" rapier, and tendency to say the word "Doctor" as if she had the world's gummiest hairball trying to fight its way up her gullet. And how in the name of sweet Lenin's codpiece did she get handed command of what seems to be an entire regiment of highly-inept ruskie redshirts? I know she's supposed to be the right hand of Stalin or whatever but christ, she manages to get every single one of those bastards killed chasing after Indy and his prized skull.
I supposed won't attack her too badly here, because despite being the worst villain yet, she still manages to make me like her. From the almost dominatrix-esque way she handles her men and her captives, to the fact that she manages to sneak a small army into Nevada under the nose of a Red-crazy American army, she manages quite a hefty bit of charm. Plus it's Cate Blanchett. If I went on about the accent for too long, she'd probably flip out on me Galadriel-style and turn me into a newt... or a hobbit. *shudder*

3.) Indiana Jones, Expert Refrigerator Jockey - Ok, I actually thought the tie-in to nuclear testing was a pleasant, not-so-subtle reminder of the time setting. (And as my friend pointed out to me later, a convenient way to explain the horrendous lack of security around the same damn warehouse housing the GODDAMN ARK OF THE COVENANT.) I was even slightly creeped out by the model city and the classic Howdy-Doody show playing. But then holy shit! They're about to drop a motherfucking A-bomb fourteen feet away from our Fedora-wearing hero! How the living hell is Indy going to escape this? Will he take one of those empty cars and tear off into the desert? Will he outrun the explosion, escaping fiery death by inches? Will someone swoop down in a plane and save him in a daring display of piloting? Will he unfurl his trusty companion and bullwhip that sissy bomb into oblivion?
NO!
He's going to climb into a MOTHERGODDAMNFUCKING REFRIGERATOR AND RIDE THAT SUMBITCH LIKE MAJOR KONG GODDAMN!
...
I actually have to give Lucas begrudging credit for completely losing me here. I admit, I smugly predicted Mac's betrayal, Indy's accidental but daring escape on the rocket, and the fact that he had unknowingly wandered onto a test site... but boy did that throw me for a turn. The rage flowed in torrents as I watched him sail through the air in front of that instantly-recognizable mushroom cloud, only to land, bounce enough times to liquefy him, then stagger out of the wreckage visibly shaken but no worse for wear. Then he gets a nice scrub down where they make a thinly-veiled dick joke! HE'S FUCKING RADIOACTIVE DOWN THERE! But instead of watching his slow descent into the painful hell of radiation poisoning for the next hour and a half, we're treated to the janitor from Scrubs and some other FBI asshole tearing Indy's character into tiny little red scraps before some General shows up and chastises him for getting into a refrigerator. BECAUSE THEY'RE DANGEROUS.
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA, LUCAS! I SEE THE JUXTAPOSITION APPARENT HERE AND GODDAMN IS IT FUNNY!
The real story here is that after the movie, one of my friends who actually fully enjoyed the film, interrupted my rant about this subject to explain why Indy survived.
"You see, the fridge was lined with lead, so it protected him!"
Well fuck me. Thank GOD our predecessors in the Fifties made lead-lined Electroluxes!

2.) Aliens - Whoo boy. Here this goes.
I knew, as any good obsessive intertube fanboy does, nearly a month in advance that ET was going to be playing a role in Indy 4. Unlike many of my ilk, however, I actually was excited about it! Just think: Indiana Jones vs. Predator! Indiana Jones vs Klingons! INDIANA JONES vs A GODDAMN WOOKIE! The inner geek that wants to shriek out what "TIE" stands for in "TIE Fighter" or the real species name of the Predator was practically howling within, beating its tiny little cup against the established bars of social contact. Maybe the aliens would be benevolent and impart wisdom or a kickass neuro-whip to Indy after he teamed up with them to beat the Ruskies! Maybe they'd reveal the secrets of the cosmos and finally let Indy pass on his hat to a younger adventurer! Maybe they'd take him into the mothership and probe hi-- God, the possibilities were ENDLESS!
But of course, we get stuck with the atypical goody-two-shoes greys (Thats Asgard for all you super-nerds out there) with their super-de-dooper spinning top flying saucer and their psychic intradimensional woopdeedoo bullshit engines.
*sigh*
I really don't have anything to add there, except that the ending was pretty much just like Raiders' Ark-face-melting experience. Aliens go home, erasing all traces of their existence, making Indiana Jones out to, once again, sound like a crazy old coot when he tries to recount his students about his latest adventure.
"Aliens that taught early man how to build pyramids and grow crops. Yeah, sure teach. Oh, the Ark of the Covenant you say? Melted faces did it? Fascinating. Drank from the Holy Grail did you? Nope, sure still look twenty-five to me. Uh-huh, Kali death cult and bloody hearts and stuff. Look, please just pass out the test so we can get back to boozing and banging cheerleaders."

1.) MOTHERFUCKING GROUNDHOGS - I KNEW IT. I FUCKING KNEW IT FROM THE BEGINNING. FIRST GODDAMN SCENE WE HAVE FUCKING CG GROUNDHOGS FOR NO GODDAMN REASON!! FIRST STAR WARS WITH ITS JAR-JARS, CUTE KILLER ROBOTS, AND GOOFBALL, SLAPSTICK BULLSHIT, AND NOW INDIANA JONES WITH FUCKING GROUNDHOGS!! IT'S LIKE GEORGE LUCAS GOT SMACKED UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH A CROWBAR AND REVERTED BACK TO NINE YEARS OLD WHEN EVERYTHING WAS FUNNIER WITH CUTESY COMIC RELIEF AND PRATFALLS!!
Don't let that spite-filled rant give you the idea I think both Star Wars and Indiana Jones needs to be nothing but GRIMANDDARK, but what made both of the original trilogies funny was Spielberg and Lucas's use of subtlety. You know, guys? That thing you had back in the day? Before CG and the giant evil dollar signs in your guileless eyes? Indy 4 does not have subtlety. Indy practically explains every punch in great detail before he swings. Instead of a punch and a smug/sarcastic grin, he lets loose with a quip worthy from his first dip into dipshittery during Return of the Jedi, EVERY TIME SOMETHING HAPPENS. It's not funny if it happens every time, nor is it unexpected. It's silly. It's goofy. IT'S NICOLAS CAGE IN NATIONAL TREASURE, NOT INDIANA MOTHERFUCKING JONES.
And FUCK those furry little bastards. I hope they all died glowing rad-green.

It's been a while, and here's why.

So I started this blog to "Do the blog thing" just like everyone else. But I kinda don't do the journal thing very well. I write about three entries and get an attack of the "just fuck it" attitude, get off, and go surf 4chan. Well at least that's what I've been doing the past few months. A lot of things have happened since I groused about the "harpies" plaguing my life and the lives of my friends; A lot of things that are full of fail and shite and that still make very little sense in the course of this trainwreck of a consciousness I possess.

But for the sake of keeping the peace, let's ignore most of those events.

Cut to now: I'm living in ma mere's abode while she and my sister traverse the globe, bringing healing and love to the people...currently the people of the good (And FAAAABULOUS!) city of San Francisco. I am living a much more relaxed, much more fun-filled life now. I'm at the in-between point where much that was lost to sight before is now just reappearing in the foggy future. Going back to school...getting a car... All these things are becoming a reality to me. This, I believe, is the first step forward in a lifetime of stagnation and pratfalling backwards.

This was made more than evident by one of my closest friends moving in with me over the past couple of days. Obscure turn in narration? You bet your ass. He's an awesome guy, we share a lot of the same interests, and every waking moment spent at our pad will be less filled with misogynistic grunting than my previous roommate experience, so there's already several invaluable positives stacking up. He also has a blog here if you're interested in the musings of a gifted fledgling videogame programmer and the adventures he has with his wacky cast of cute, fuzzy, completely nonexistent muppet friends.

But all this is really just a lead-in to my real reason for starting this blog up again. I am a writer. I enjoy writing. I have strong opinions and the bullheadedness to back them up with the most biting rhetoric I can muster. I live my life, I watch movies, I play the vidyagames, and I try to keep on the pulse of the world. And I want to bring my opinions to you, the discerning internet reader. Not because I think you really care what I think, but because hopefully I can make you laugh...or barring that, tickle your rage glands and get some flamewars going. For what is the internet but the newest frontier, and we, the slouched, messy masses of the blogosphere, the grizzled frontiersmen (and women of course) digging for the gold nuggets of fame, fortune, and perhaps a book deal here and there?

I'm back.